i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
