There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
