Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
