Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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