The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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