Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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