Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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