i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
