I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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