chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
