The maid of honor just puked.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
