All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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