I accidentally had phone sex last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
