My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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