She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
