I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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