Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize