??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
