On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize