whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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