I am in a vortex of obligation.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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