I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
