He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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