I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
