i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize