I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
