i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
