my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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