If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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