i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
