i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
