My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize
