Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
