I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
