Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Someone came in the potted fern
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
