Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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