Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
