i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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