Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
