Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
