There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
