Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
