i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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