Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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