Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
