so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
