I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
