i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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