He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
