Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
