Your tits are I can't wait for
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
