....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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