I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize