Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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