well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
