I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
